The hour is late, physically and metaphysically.
We have passed Halloween, Thanksgiving with the families, Christmas, my last day of work, New Year's, our Anniversary, and now my parents have arrived to help us for the first week. The only thing left in front of me to which I can cling is one last morning at Church. Then, it will be here.
To be honest, I am more than a little scared. Oh, not in any concrete, I'm a-goina die, I'm a-goina die, kind of way. Death, at least my death, holds no fear for me. No, I fear something much more overwhelming to my INTJ personality (especially the J): change.
The unknown that I feel so apprehensive about is will the baby be well? Will I continue to be sick? Will nursing be ok this time? Will Roslyn be able to cope? Will I be able to cope with Roslyn and this one? Will I be able to do this better than last time? Will I be able to do this? There is no more time to dwell on these questions and to prepare because the answer is coming, even if I'm not ready.
I remember before Roslyn was born, the next to last night before I went into the hospital (although for confusing reasons, I thought it was a couple of nights before the last as I was to be induced the day after my due date. If you want to know the full story, bring me a latte in a couple of weeks, hold my child or fold some laundry, and I'll try to keep my eyes open long enough to tell it to you), I watched Keira Knightley's Pride and Prejudice. It is a good version. Mr Darcy is portrayed with just enough reserved panache by the MI-5 guy and Knightley's Elizabeth works more than Jennifer Ehle's ever did, IMHO. I remember watching it at about 4 am and being completely taken out of myself. The sun began to rise just as the movie was ending and for a moment, I was able to not worry about the future, to not worry about the change, to just be present.
To be present is something I have learned to do more reliably since Roslyn has come into the world. I have learned how to muffle that little voice in my head, to distance myself from that overtly analytical part of me that questions, and to embrace where life has brought me.
We have passed all of the milestones of what has to come before the baby comes. We are here. The moment is now. I ask God for Peace so that I can recognize my own joy. I am not one given to overt sentimentality as it touches my own life (sentimentality is fine for other people, but I like to just get on with it), but if you pray to a God, it would be very good of you to remember us, Little Baby and me. I know that we'll be fine, I'm just having trouble at the moment muffling that little voice in my head.