Sunday, February 10, 2013

Identity

I am having a hard time finding my center.

For years I have labored under the understanding that I am a particular kind of person. That hasn't been a static person, and I have evolved what it means, but I have been able to define it, hone it, and encompass it.

I feel as lost now as I did when I was 20-something. I do not want all of this. I have this. But I do not want this.


My father-in-law has this rather brilliant theory (it might not be his, it might be someone else's, but he says it a lot) that parents and children establish patterns of behavior and being that they settle into when the child is an adolescent. They create scripts that they play out and repeat time and time again into adulthood.

Now I am stuck in a script that I cannot seem to re-write. I have spent a great deal of my adult life defining who I am by generally refusing to participate in the script. It is how I have exerted control for so long because I could and can see no other way to do it.

I do not want all of this.
I have this. But I do not want this.

I have struggled with respecting my mother for years as an emotional being. She is duplicitous with herself and I do not understand how the person I came out of can be that way. And I fear that it is inherent or that I may learn it, as I have learned other things from her that I have had to figure out how to unlearn.

I do not want all of this.
I have this. But I do not want this.

I want to run. I want to wake up tomorrow and not remember any of this. I want this to just be a hole in my memory, a fugue. Because the irony is, if I walk away I am not who I think I am, but when I stay and get involved, it changes me just as fundamentally into who I don't want to be.

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